surrender...

heloooooooo pink-ish blog of mine... :) im in a very gud mood today... hehehe when i read all of my previous blog.. i knoe its so hrd to believe that i was in dat kinda shit.. hahahha but i think i dun care anymore...
i will juz close one of my eye for him.. if things happen then pretend it didn happen.. coz last nite right after my sob time.. i realize thatlife is too short.. if u wana make it right.. then no other choice then leaving him.. but if by leaving him makes my heart ache.. then jus pretend ntg ever happened.. coz it will b alot more easier other than cryin on ur bed evrynite mor... :0
but fortunately by doin that he's mch more better.. n maybe this is wuds beset for me now.. walopun dia si cpet emosian n labil bgt.. t ad perkembangan drpd gwe nyolotin balik tiap ari
welll hpefully things will b better each day.. n i dun have to worry abt anything else anymore,,

moans...

well.. i dun even knoe abt wuds wrong wid us.. i knoe things been hard.. i did asked him abt the -BREAK- stuff.. e was kinda shocked.. n he didn want to do so.. i was kinda relieved since i knoe dat there's a hope since he didnt think that a 1week break will make evrything better coz i knoe that we will miz each other alot n it will be harder for us to communicate n trust each other.. but wud can i say.. if a couple is in a break time then they can do anything they want to.. even dou breaking the old rules that they both had ever made or agreed on... but yea. wuds d point.. it will only make us miserable..

sumtimes i wanted to... i wanted to go away as far as i could from him.. not breaking any rules just taking some ME-TIME but i knoe its imposible.. the more i wana try it.. the more i couldn let him agree on it.. i knoe.. my mind is spinning around n somehow turned me into a freak-ish rust lady who cant make up her mind.. i hate to decide on things when it comes to him..

today i didn even talk much to him.. even dou we are at the same car.. same class.. n when i left earlier for gym.. i rang him n he just said "go ahead girl.. dont wait up.." dat;s jus pissed me off.. then finally i left.. n right when im abt to finish wit my gym.. he called up n ask me to come to bu kris.. grab a lunch... at dat time i tot there's the time where he wanted me to come over so that we can try to talk n figure things out.. but wud... he didn exactly talk to me n he took me as a stone right next to him... wud a jerk!!! then when we go back.. in d car.. we didn talk at all.. even when he reached his house.. he jus simply banged d door n when he got out not saying a word..

this is the point where i told me to take a break.. coz i felt kike im done wid all this.. i have a boyfriend.. but he's a stranger for me.. i have him right next to me.. but feels like im driving alone..

i feel like crying.. coz my mind is jus so fu**ed up right now.. i love him.. but for him.. i am nothing but a stone.. an accesories in front of his frens..

then there comes the next case.. where my skul ask me to join the miss university contest.. i did joined in.. not becos of wud.. but bcoz i wanted to try my brain... like a brain work out.. since each n everyskull will present their best students.. then i figured why not?? i did not lose anything by trying to win,.. i dun have to pay or do anything m,uch just tofit in.. all i have t do is just giving my best.. n yet he disagree n ask me to withdraw from that competition.. just becos of him got sared if i get noticed by other guys who watch d competition live then ajak aku kenalan... dats so negativee.... he did not support me just bcoz of dat?? wudabt the chance or other opportunity that i might get from joining this competition in my future??? i juz don get u..

yes i did elaborate evrything to him abt why i decided to joined in.. blah blah blah.. yet his heavy headed stubborn kills my point by saying no all d time.. n right after we r colling on by not discussing nything.. he kissed me thru d phone.. but less than an hour.... we argued again.. abt my visitaion to dentist...

he was supposed to accompany me to the dentist.. i told him days ago.. n he just ignore it.. n finally i went to dentist alone n found out that he went out wid all of his frens hanging out at d loop n said sorry to leave me alone at d dentist... padahal aku ngmgny uda lama.. n tmnny bru ngajak arini...

well im done,, i cant think of anything right now.. gona crash now.. let it be.. let it be..

mightnite diary

hm.. cant sleep.... :( my thought is full of him... hikzzz.. well wud is it like to have a forbidden love?? when u can have it secretly? no one would want that coz love is a matter of expressing the feelings either with words or behaviour. well that is only my simple thought dou...:p some of them knew exactly abt wud i mean forbiden luv...

eniwe.. today had a big fight with him.. im just so tired of fighting with him all d the time.. tired of being stubborn aswell but if i stop being one, then he's gona step on top of my head... pushing me all d time.. acting i was part of his property and treat me as a charm servant!! (servant of him yg bisa d pertontonkan k tmn2ny dngn banggany klo aku bsia d suruh2) WTFF?? hate that....
eventually my work for this animal stuff is stuck... im tired of lie-ing to my parents that evrything is allrite.. evryting is right according to plan.. tatt's jus suck!!!plus.. he told me dat he wanted to learn handle the job himself without suruh2 aku to handle all the bullshit talking with the agent or buyers or sellers butttttttttttt... he did it again... lied to me n kept on forcing me to do it for him coz he aint ready yet!!! he said dat he needed more time to learn...

no offense babe.. but honestly i wouldnt want to be with you if ur acting stupid n selfishly or stubborn and bossy!!! coz i dont like being treated as a maid.. who kissed him before he sleeps on the phone and check on him to make sure evryting is alrite.. i mean yeahhh dats part of my job.. but dont u think that i am already tired with my job?? n yet u swtill give me more n more.. i jus dont get it.. is it really love?? or u jus want to use me as part of your accesories??
i knoe dat i am boung to love u.. i am yours truly and i love you with bla bla bla... but dont you just get enough of commanding me?? lik a simple example.. u asked me to give you drinks.. or put your pants in the bag or pet your back.. but dont you knoe that as time goes with you.. i also have my own poin or limit where i need to rest my head for a while? or rest my legs n thoughts from doing stuff and running??

now im confussed.. isit true that love should be unconditionally?? but some how i am sensing somthing else from him.. i am sensing that now is not only love.. but make-use-ing with love.. so that just need to say love n he can command me or ordering me to do things for him... :(


"now i jus feel like throwing up.. i didnt even knoe why i took u baack in the firs place.. seems that you already forget abt our earlier deal riht after we broke up on november coz u did nt seem to change at all. in fact it is getting worse..."

i am not a saint.. or an angel. i also need to look at my self n i knoe i am no go0d this lately.. n i realized ive been affected by his behaviour.. but... lets see the bright side.. if we are no longer match then why do we have to be together? if we can not fill up the blanks within us anymore.. then why do we have to continue this?? may be ill jus simply say i can not live without him for now... i want to be with him... but if this keeps going on an on.. how long can we do it and survive??

sorry to say it straight ahead.. but i dun think this is something to hide from me.. coz if a person loves somebody then no matter wud that person needs to be honest.. n i knoe u would be pissed at me when someday u read all this.. but i cant lie to my self.. this is my true feelings.. so go on and hurt me all along... tell me how long it will last.. and tell me when it is supposed to be over..

the starter -first post (me think so...)

greetingzzz...

it is an akward thing how i actually started to create this blog.. i was in the economic class earlier, and Emmy (a great blogger maniac- me think so sih ya?? ) told me that i can throw all of my s*** and thoughts trough a blog where it could be save and sound as u want it, or even extremely cruel for my readers, and here i am now.. as im typing this first post, i just could not believe i finally had one blog of my own where i can "curhat smao gweeeeee ampe jebol euyyy" (^(0o)^)v

heheheh well....i.am welcoming all of you who found my blog and got the chance to read 'em also.. it is a pleasure for pleasuring you all.. :) hahhhahahha