mightnite diary

hm.. cant sleep.... :( my thought is full of him... hikzzz.. well wud is it like to have a forbidden love?? when u can have it secretly? no one would want that coz love is a matter of expressing the feelings either with words or behaviour. well that is only my simple thought dou...:p some of them knew exactly abt wud i mean forbiden luv...

eniwe.. today had a big fight with him.. im just so tired of fighting with him all d the time.. tired of being stubborn aswell but if i stop being one, then he's gona step on top of my head... pushing me all d time.. acting i was part of his property and treat me as a charm servant!! (servant of him yg bisa d pertontonkan k tmn2ny dngn banggany klo aku bsia d suruh2) WTFF?? hate that....
eventually my work for this animal stuff is stuck... im tired of lie-ing to my parents that evrything is allrite.. evryting is right according to plan.. tatt's jus suck!!!plus.. he told me dat he wanted to learn handle the job himself without suruh2 aku to handle all the bullshit talking with the agent or buyers or sellers butttttttttttt... he did it again... lied to me n kept on forcing me to do it for him coz he aint ready yet!!! he said dat he needed more time to learn...

no offense babe.. but honestly i wouldnt want to be with you if ur acting stupid n selfishly or stubborn and bossy!!! coz i dont like being treated as a maid.. who kissed him before he sleeps on the phone and check on him to make sure evryting is alrite.. i mean yeahhh dats part of my job.. but dont u think that i am already tired with my job?? n yet u swtill give me more n more.. i jus dont get it.. is it really love?? or u jus want to use me as part of your accesories??
i knoe dat i am boung to love u.. i am yours truly and i love you with bla bla bla... but dont you just get enough of commanding me?? lik a simple example.. u asked me to give you drinks.. or put your pants in the bag or pet your back.. but dont you knoe that as time goes with you.. i also have my own poin or limit where i need to rest my head for a while? or rest my legs n thoughts from doing stuff and running??

now im confussed.. isit true that love should be unconditionally?? but some how i am sensing somthing else from him.. i am sensing that now is not only love.. but make-use-ing with love.. so that just need to say love n he can command me or ordering me to do things for him... :(


"now i jus feel like throwing up.. i didnt even knoe why i took u baack in the firs place.. seems that you already forget abt our earlier deal riht after we broke up on november coz u did nt seem to change at all. in fact it is getting worse..."

i am not a saint.. or an angel. i also need to look at my self n i knoe i am no go0d this lately.. n i realized ive been affected by his behaviour.. but... lets see the bright side.. if we are no longer match then why do we have to be together? if we can not fill up the blanks within us anymore.. then why do we have to continue this?? may be ill jus simply say i can not live without him for now... i want to be with him... but if this keeps going on an on.. how long can we do it and survive??

sorry to say it straight ahead.. but i dun think this is something to hide from me.. coz if a person loves somebody then no matter wud that person needs to be honest.. n i knoe u would be pissed at me when someday u read all this.. but i cant lie to my self.. this is my true feelings.. so go on and hurt me all along... tell me how long it will last.. and tell me when it is supposed to be over..